I did an interview recently on a show I adore. The interview was fun. The host was great. I was a bit more nervous than usual because I was so excited about the content and the host’s work and I wanted to make sure I contributed well to his audience. I showed up authentically, I made points that were really important, and I did a couple things I’d do differently, and be more aware of, next time. Cool. Breathe. Yay. Done.
After the interview we had hundreds of people download the content from my site to help them integrate. I received many notes from listeners about how important this content was to them and how they wanted to integrate it into their lives and businesses. Several spoke to the idea that this “presence” thing, this “IEP” was something they struggled with but had never had the words or framing for. I received notes from listeners from Sweden to the US, from students to parents to executives, from 11-year olds to I don’t know how old. All with something to say. My heart was full. My spirit soared. This work had touched more people.
There was some cool ripple impact.
On the blog, there were also comments. And then the good old fashioned thumbs up or down for “like” or “dislike”. The positive outweighed the negative by far. Integration was happening.
Fortunately I’ve done enough internal work to know that “good job!” or “you suck!” does not define me. Both view points are just info. (Of course, “great job!” is preferable, and “you suck” is never a picnic, but hey.)
But I’m human. I get my feelings hurt too. Especially when it’s something I care deeply about.
So this is where it got interesting… With all the great stuff coming in. And all the opportunities to contribute more. And all the articles that were getting inspired and that I was just itching to write now. Where do you think I wanted to focus my attention? As a default, where do you suppose my attention went?
Come on… You’ve been there. You’ve done that talk and had 90% of the room thrilled, and 10% not. You’ve taken that test, and had 99% right, and 1 wrong. You’ve been in a circle of friends and had 9 love you, and 1 not so much. You’ve done great things 95% of the way, and 5% you would have done differently. You’ve gotten feedback from you peers, 8 were raving sunshine, 2 raving lunatics. You’ve had 10 amazing things happen, and 1 that sucks…
Where did you focus? What did you give your energy to?
Come on… You might have, just might have, been temped to focus on the little bit. The negative side. The side that hits our tender underbelly. Challenges our self-worth. Makes us feel less than. Fights with our ego.
The side that keeps us safe from getting bigger, focusing on what’s important, and stepping out to do our work in the world even more powerfully.
This is not to say that that 3% or 5% or comment or feedback or whatever isn’t valuable – it maybe. Used well, that’s the stuff that CAN have you grow bigger, be more effective, do a better job. But used as a bat, and used through the lens of defense, ego, or shame – your ability to focus on the learning and the gift that MAY be in that feedback, will be diminished. Why? You’re focusing on the wrong thing.
I can’t say for sure about you. But for me? Yes, my default was to focus on the 1 negative comment out of 35 positive personal notes and comments.
I had the twang. You know the twang. For me it shows up as quick flinch in my chest, tears behind my eyes, ouch. And then if I’m lucky, my higher self steps in. If I’m not, and if my ego is flailing, I get stuck.
From this place, there’s no way I can pull the learning or even connect with the gift. From this place, there’s no way I can focus my time, energy and attention on contributing to the things that most matter. So as a leader, I need to be better at dancing with this place. Here’s what I did, and then I’ll give you a couple of places to look that I find useful.
I noticed the twang. I breathed. I called a good friend (actually two). They felt my pain, gave me space to process, and then laughed with me. And then at me. That helped. (It also took about 15 minutes.)
And then I got off Skype. And I looked for the gift in the comment that hurt the most (because those are the ones that usually have some truth in them – no matter how nasty or dis-compassionate the giver is – if it twangs, there’s a gift), and I looked for how it would serve me in the future. It wasn’t hard to find. At all. And I was complete.
And with my mental and emotional energy cleared up (quadrant 2 IEP Model), I was now able to reground in what I wanted to focus on. And that was back to impact and serving the people who want/need it. Not the haters.
Learn what you need to from the haters (if even it’s JUST how to get better at holding your space), and then let them go. Focusing on the wrong thing, is an energy drain. It takes us away from our power. It takes us away from presence. It takes us away from creating impact. Our presence IS our impact. if we are not present because we’re so focused on ourselves or on the negative or on the haters, we can’t have the impact we want to have.
Anything that depletes your joy, your energy, your attention, or your spirit is robbing you (and the world) of your ability to create impact. You must guard this with your life.
Personally, I find that every time something like this happens (and it usually happens when I’m feeling my most tender and vulnerable and as I step into bigger roles, stages, exposure), there is a tremendous gift that awaits me on the other side. And if I can stay present to the process (no numbing out with alcohol/drugs/tv/etc peeps! seriously), I am bigger and richer and fuller and stronger and more effective in the end.
Putting it to use…
If the ego steps in, celebrate! Your ego is about to die a bit. (In my book, if it’s not serving me, that’s a really great thing). This is a great place to check in.
Questions to ask when your ego is fighting to win:
- What’s the truth about myself that’s being challenged?
- Who am I trying to please?Why?
- What am I trying to prove? Why?
- And even better, what’s the truth in this comment/situation? What can I learn? What can I shift?
- How is this monstrosity (allow me drama here) a gift?
And then check in again:
- Am I still alive? (Whew! I made it!)
- Do I still have people in my life who love me? (Phew! I still have a tribe!)
- Can I find the gift here and really appreciate this present state? (Pain, anger, shame, fear, whatever… allow yourself to have it. Nurture it. Give yourself some TLC.)
- What is there for me to learn?
- Is there anything I want to do with this now?
And then check in again:
- What do I want to focus on?
- What feels good to me?
- How can I be the greatest contribution to others?
- What do I need to move forward?
- What can I acknowledge about myself?
Have fun. You are beautiful. Love on that tender part of you. Love your ego. Love your brilliance. Love that nasty part of you that wants to smack people or hide or do whatever you do when you feel challenged and tempted to focus on the wrong thing. But love. And stay present.
Go create some impact.
//axc